Falling in love with your boss, your partner’s brother, your sister’s boyfriend, a married man? so many impossible loves. Should you go for it at all costs? Are our feelings real or just fantasy?
Edith, 30, has fallen in love with her boss. It was reciprocal, by the way. We were living in the forbidden because you can’t do that kind of thing in a company. And then, we were also 15 years apart. Between the professional framework and the age difference, our story was impossible. We dated for six months, we stopped everything and I even changed companies. Pure chance.”
Tiphaine is 25 years old. She’s already felt an attraction for her boyfriend’s brother. I didn’t do anything about it, but when I met Simon’s brother, something turned me on. He kept looking at me. I ignored everything and I was better off. He seems to be moving away from me, avoiding temptation. On the one hand, I didn’t want to break my story, on the other hand, leaving for my companion’s brother… impossible. What would they have said about me?”
Impossible loves are often defined through the eyes of others. The symbolic order, with its culmination in the Oedipal situation, would like us to stay in the nails, that we do not transgress, that we go towards no difference of age or status.
Impossible loves, simple fantasies?
Is it the prohibition that leads to the idea that one is completely in love? Frustration leads to desire. Everything we don’t have calls us to run, to want. And very often, love and desire are confused. We think we love it, but we desire says. This love seems impossible to us, we desire it, so we believe we love.
When Edith’s relationship with her boss came to an end, there was no grief, the girl tells us: “Finally, in retrospect, I think I enjoyed playing this forbidden game. We couldn’t live that story, so it excited us. It ended painlessly, and I wonder if I was in love. I’d say so, but as passionate love, they’re different feelings.” When we experience an impossible love, our feelings are like a drug, we share joyful moments and we can fall back immediately. Tiphaine has never been in love with Simon’s brother, but what she was feeling seemed very real to him: “I think I wasn’t in the fantasy. If I had been, I might have kept dreaming. But I had my feet firmly planted in reality, hence my spontaneous escape. I knew that this love if it developed, could give something. It was too dangerous and I wasn’t ready.”
Should we persevere?
To persevere in the face of impossible love is, in principle, to free yourself from the gaze of others. But also freeing oneself from the supposed gaze of others. Because very often, the others have said nothing, done nothing, we hide and imagine the reactions. We integrate the other into ourselves. “You are your agent of transgression and at the same time your own other,” says the psychologist. To want to go all the way is to take the time not to stipulate the thoughts of those around you and to gather your strength to assume. Although the psychologist warns that these loves can be painful. Phèdre, at Racine’s, falls in love with his son-in-law. A source of torment and complications, faced with an imposed framework. Such is the lesson of this dramaturgy. Today, the era makes us cross more boundaries, we look for transgression. So why not? As soon as we identify our feelings, between reality and fantasy, and feel ready to shake up a so-called established order, let’s dare. After all, who knows what makes us happy except ourselves?