When the other side, our world collapses and we try to understand, sometimes in vain, the reasons for his departure. We met Prune Quellen, coach and relationship advisor, to better understand men and their motivations for breaking up. An interesting insight followed by real keys to regaining one’s love.
Do men leave for the same reasons as women? Can we “grant” them additional reasons, such as fear of commitment, which seems more masculine?
First of all, it should be noted that we are all equal in the face of love disarray. When we fall in love, and when we are left. The characteristic of love is that it has no reason. When it comes to discovering, it’s the same. When you don’t love anymore, sometimes it’s hard to know why. You don’t understand where it comes from: you just notice that you love less and you don’t explain it. As for the fear of commitment, I don’t see it more in men than in women, contrary to what people say. A lot of women are afraid of commitment too. It’s a matter of personality and time, not gender. It is important to know that this famous fear of commitment that is given to men is unfounded. Only, by dint of repeating it, they end up believing that they are afraid to commit! Don’t worry: when they fall in love, they are not afraid of anything at all! On the other hand, if there is one reason for separation that may be different, it is the arrival of children, especially the first one. Many men suffer when their companion now turns her gaze away from the child. They feel useless. This sometimes makes them go elsewhere because they no longer feel loved.
Why can’t you grieve until you know why the other one left? Why do we look for a thousand explanations?
Because there are reasons to cling to. And there aren’t any. At least not satisfactory ones. Not being loved in return is unacceptable. So we look for consolation. And then there’s physical comfort. Being against someone, it’s still a mark, isn’t it? Being in love is high, so when you break up with someone, you’re in for a big fall. It’s hyper-violent. We’re looking for all the means to get over the violence we’ve been through. You fill the sudden loneliness with very concrete explanations.
Does finding the exact answer when he leaves help to find the answer to “how to win him back”?
It depends on whether we’re talking about a couple of crisis or a separated couple. For example, if your partner is cheating on you, you can try to understand what your behavior took him away from you. And then, yes, knowing can help rebuild the couple. If he’s up for it, because to rebuild a couple, you need two architects. But if your companion has left you because he is suffocating, because he no longer feels loved, or because he is no longer in love with you, will knowledge help you seduce him again? It’s not always certain. On the other hand, it can tell you whether you have been too smothering or too demanding. And it can also encourage you to be more emotionally independent.
What are the keys to getting him back?
For starters, I think you have to ask yourself, “Does he have to come back? If he left me, it’s not because he still loves me. We like to believe that, but isn’t that denial? From the moment we started this work of demystifying the other person, most of the time we don’t want to win him back. We realized the relationship wasn’t working and we moved on. So the first key is to face this reality: “He’s not in love with me anymore”. Saying it can provoke a reaction in the other person, who used to be the only object of your love. But, is it in your best interest to take him back?
I think break-ups are also an opportunity to take stock of ourselves. Does this person make me stronger or does he degrade me? You can’t escape disappointment in love, it happens to all of us, but you can try to make encounters that tend towards more fulfillment.